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[16 Nov 2009|07:17pm] |
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Im coming home for thanksgiving. Hooray!
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[11 Oct 2009|01:48am] |
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Ohhhhhh what the fuck just happened.
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[25 Sep 2009|02:26am] |
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Im so emotionally exhausted from today I feel like Im going to throw up.
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[20 Sep 2009|06:59pm] |
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I found a picture of Nick from CI-LA and started crying. I think I honestly might love him.
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| First real post in a while... |
[17 Sep 2009|02:05am] |
Ive been feeling a lot more recently than I had been. Its like Im finally beginning to think again, and my brain is really starting to clear up. I love irony so much, whether it be in a good or bad way...I dont think I know how to explain what I mean. I can understand so much just because my imagination is finally working again. I had some practice in Storytelling last year, but it was destroyed by the closedness of God Evolution and Culture. Completely counter intuitive (Juniata's catchphrase apparently), but the more academic based classes made me totally lose my mind, not like crazy, but I just had no space to think that I lost interest and the patience to learn. Being in ceramics and sculpture, even if I hate it some of the time and spend all of my life in there, its totally opened me up again. Im sure that has to do with being in Voice and Speech too. I swear, every day is a religious experience.
Maybe Im not doing art because I just like it, maybe thats really what Im built for. Maybe all of my excuses for going to art school, going against the norm just because I cant stand the norm, getting away from the image of certain people my image was married to...all of my excuses are only my reasoning. Theyre not the real reason, know what I mean?
Its not just art though, I only think in terms of art. Ive been making lists again. Being obsessive and acknowledging that obsession is very powerful. It makes me realize things about myself. Listmaking is entirely inspiration based, whether than be internal or external inspiration. I make them of everything--favorite mothers, favorite smells, things certain people would never talk about, the coolest people I know, times Ive been most turned on, and worst insults...along with many others. Worst insults stuck out the most for me. I have three, and they still hurt to the point of making me tear up at the thought of them every time simply because they were from people I seriously love and respect still. I feel like Im too honest for my own good, mostly because Im too lazy to care about keeping secrets (unless theyre other peoples secrets) or because I feel like the consequences of telling the truth are what should happen anyway, sooo...Ill put my list out there.
1. "Well, I guess that makes you ignorant."--my mom
2. "You're a verbal exhibitionist."--Charlie Allison, a friend who is one of the only people I have deep, intellectual conversations with
3. "You don't have an depressed bone in your body."--Shambo (a dorm parent and teacher from Idyllwild)
I could go into detail about each, but...its late, and I still have a lot to put out there.
My point is, thinking about it is making me feel again. I feel like beauty is only the passion of emotion of any kind, so even if Im crying to Charlie about what he said to me last year, my life is still completely full of beauty at that moment. Shambo's comment I think has actually affected me the most. I try not to be silly for the most part--unless Im with my roommates. I try to be closed, sarcastic, and unexcitable to show that Im not shallow and I have more than "eternally happy". Its made me afraid to show emotion. He meant it as a compliment, but it wasnt. Now Im getting away from that I think. Im sure Ill go back at some point, whenever I step away from art for a second it happens.
And another thing thats completely unexpected. One of my jobs, tour guiding, has made me get very much more in tune with my adrenaline. Its like after meditating or doing yoga or Fitzmoris work you feel everything in so much more detail. I can feel the tiny shifts of adrenaline whenever I get uncomfortable. Meeting new people and getting asked things I dont know the answer to has become kind of a masochistic sport for me. I try to get into situations where I dont know anyone around me and have to suck it up. This has made me into a person most of the people in my school at least sort of knows, which is expected, but its also made me do things I never would have planned on doing...specifically within the spectrum of clubs. I joined rugby, but because of time restraints I cant actually do it. I joined the African American Student Alliance and might be going to Harlem in a few weekends, Im in Art Alliance and am going to be doing artist reports for the school, Im in Emergency Medical Services and will hopefully be getting cpr and hippa (is that it?) certification within the next week. I might end up doing historical reenactments with Skulldiggers, the history club. I might be a driver for other clubs, Im writing poetry for our literary magazine, and Im in at least 5 other clubs around campus. Im thinking of starting a Contact Improv Club here too. Im insane, I understand, but its all this tuning into adrenaline. It feels amazing, even if I am slowly killing myself.
On the adventure scene: I still want to go abroad for a year, but Im going to have to limit myself. I dont want to be in Long Beach next summer, at least not for too long. Im looking at Bread and Puppet seriously, and if it wasnt so expensive Id do it in a second. Im hoping I can talk to the company and get them to give me a break. If that doesnt happen, I want to work at Idy in the ceramics studio. I need a good excuse to start talking to Terry again so I can get him to tell the summer program to hire me. Im already getting better though. Much better. Its amazing to see the shortcomings of Idyllwild when I thought it was so extensive before, at least in the arts. Option number three is interning in a contemporary museum ANYWHERE outside of the US. There are too many options. I want to do them all right now.
In other news, I feel like I fell in love with the guy I met at Contact over the summer. There is absolutely no way to describe what happened, but I really feel like I fell in love with him. I have minor flingish crushes here, but I almost never have it full blown. Nick though...it has something to do with contact. You know someone so instantly when you really feel someone. If you dont do it, its impossible to understand. Nick. Sigh. If only he had a facebook, haha.
Besides being sick, besides making terrible decisions last weekend, besides falling asleep at work and staying up till three anyway and knowing Ill regret it tomorrow...my life is pretty fucking dandy. Even if Im miserable, Im making stories for myself, and Im pretty determined that thats all that matter.
Right now...I feel like burying myself a hole in the ground and just lying there for a while, maybe early in the morning so the dirt gets wet and I get covered.
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[14 Sep 2009|03:46am] |
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My roommate got me and my other roommate sick. I probably got 6 other people sick, who in turn got everyone else on campus sick. Im a plague rat. This weekend was nuts.
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[08 Sep 2009|11:50pm] |
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This years theme: Sara is in love with unavailable boys.
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[16 Aug 2009|02:58am] |
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Goodbye Long Beach! Its probably been the most insane summer in my life, and the most unnecessarily crazy last couple days. Oh, oh so crazy. I cant wait to get back to school, even though the roommates and I are fucked because of the bathroom. Whatev. Ill deal. GOODBYE LONG BEAAACH! Youve treated me well. Dont fuck me over in the next two days, please?
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| Points: |
[13 Aug 2009|12:37am] |
1. Im watching Scariest Places On Earth, and its awesome.
2. I rewrote my "Best Friend" list, but had to separate by girls and boys because the relationships are so different. If I had to make an all over list my top 4 would be Russell, Alyson, Johnny, and Kat. Im so ready to break out the lists again, including an official "Favorite Smells," "Favorite Dads," "Favorite Things (Period)," and "Favorite Cities."
3. I could live in a car. Singing loudly and horribly in a tiny enclosed place is the best feeling.
4. I saw Ian today and yesterday and it was ok. Im not going to think too deeply into things, so if it works and were friends, then cool, if not whatever. I had a scary moment when I introduced him to Kat and shes...incredibly attracted to him, and he thinks shes really pretty too. They have a close mutual friend and both live in Boston. Im not going to lie, if anything happens between them I would....cry a lot.
5. I really dont like Bruce. Seriously. I dont. People just dont believe me.
6. I am SOOOO excited to get back to school. I know its going to suck in a lot of ways, but I have some amaaazing friends. I fit into this group of people better than I could have imagined fitting in anywhere. Im SO happy to have met them.
7. In the spirit of relationship talk, Ive decided my perfect relationship would be a boyfriend who lives really far away that I could miss a lot and be totally in love with but who I would have to talk to all the time and would be able to see on a regularish basis, as in a few days most months then like two months solid together. Plus major events like gallery openings. He would be very passionate but totally laid back. Wed both be able to mess around with other people, but not allowed to date or go out with anyone more than friends. We wouldnt necessarily ever have to be married, but we would be seriously together and supportive. As Kat called it, No Strings Attached Boyfriend....or for those who know Idy, the Kevin to Denise (ps, they broke up and Denise just got married to someone else...just ignore that part). Thats what would be perfect.
The end.
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[27 Jul 2009|01:39pm] |
First and foremost: Teeth whitener is surprisingly easy to get addicted to.
Secondly: This song is amazing and may never leave my head
Thirdly: Im newly in love with this guy from contactimprovla who I may never see again, but I will secretly stalk forevermore. Hes SO freakishly incredible. Like, most intense eyes ever. He looks at me like Jack did the first day. Siiighhhhhh. Hes young and does film. I was talking to him about his week, and he was like, "Yeah, it was really fun. A friend came over and I pretty much showed him all of LA in a few days. We did parkour then dressed up like ninjas on the street. It was a good week." I was like....Im in love with you and your intense nerdiness. I may indeed go crazy. Unfortunately he isnt on facebook either, so I have to ultra-stalk him. Im a creeeepperrrrr...and surprisingly (and scarily) good at it. So I found this. The guy who made it is in contact improv too. He and I had an ammmaaazing dance yesterday with a third guy (whose name was Andre. He had an accent. It was beautiful).
Nick is the ninja. You cant even really see him. Damnsicles.
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[19 Jul 2009|01:13am] |
Mm. It has definitely been the craziest and least bad summer in a long time. Im going to be back at school in exactly one month. Ive been slowly realizing how much I love Juniata...and how incredibly well I fit with my friends. Ive never found a group of people I just work with so easily. That doesnt mean we wont kill each other when we live together though.
I might go see Ian tomorrow. Im still undecided, which means I probably wont be. I do get to see Nick *choir of angels* tomorrow though. Were in love...by which I mean Ive had one conversation with him while he was lying on my lap in a contact jam and I completely died for him.
OH yeah, and speaking of, I broke up with Greg. Its not a big deal, I just realized I wanted to be in something normal so just kind of dated the first person I was sort of interested in who liked me. Turns out I rushed things and he liked me waaaaaaaaaaaay too much. I thought he was going to tell me he loved me in the first week. I went to his aunts funeral the second week. Toooo fast. He did introduce me to hip hop, which I love though, so its not so bad. He was a little bit of a stalker, so that wasnt/isnt super great. Meh.
Im going to see Russell tomorrow and spend the week with him in Santa Rosa. And Ari hopefully!!! Woot.
Also also, new incredible song that Im dying over--I Never Knew You by Cage. Incredible.
Also also also, Rhinoceros Eyes in spectacular.
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[19 Jun 2009|08:12pm] |
Its harder for me to get internets here, so Ive definitely been lj slacking.
I feel like I should be making a bigger deal out of this than I am, but Im dating Greg now. Its been about a week I guess. Ive definitely had some mixed feelings and its been really weird, but really good. For those who dont know Greg (Lewis), hes a really great guy.,,theres a lot more I could say, but I dont really think I need to. I spent the day at his house an hour away and met his dad. It was nice. Theres more to say I guess, but...meh.
Alsooooo, I redid my room. Im still cleaning and its been almost two weeks abouts. Red and white music themed. Very cool. I kind of want to have a bonfire and introduce it to everyone, and also have a reason for my friends from all around southern california and lbc to hang out. Everyones always pretty busy though, so we'll have to figure it out. You should tell me when youll be around this summer (aka, not in Arrowbear).
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[12 Jun 2009|12:34am] |
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Oooooohhh my life. Oh goodness.
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[28 May 2009|12:21am] |
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I feel like something good should be happening to me by now.
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[18 May 2009|11:33am] |
YESSSSSSSS I didnt fail out of school and didnt even get a C in God, Evolution and Culture!
GEC
B-
Human Nature
B+ (kinda pissed about that)
Logic
B+ (also kinda pissed about that)
Storytelling
A
Museum Practicum
A-
Contact
A
Sooo, I have a 3.45. Hoorrraaaaaaayyyyy!
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[04 May 2009|12:24am] |
I think I might try this Radical Honesty thing for a little.
Im not happy right now. I dont feel like I have any close friends outside of Johnny for the most part. I dont miss Russell usually. I do kind of miss Ian, but I hate that hes still much cooler than me. I dont want to be here, but I know Im going to hate it about 500x more at home. My mom has been really bitchy lately and I dont know why. Anytime she says anything its her yelling at me, so Ive stopped responding. My best friend here is mad at me because Im hanging out with my other best friend (her roommate) more now, pretty much only because she keeps flipping out about her work and is never in her room. I resent her for being selfish and trying to prove her intelligence when she has nothing to be stressed about. I listened to a radiolab on deception (which is not how this spawned) and if you were more honest to yourself and to others you were generally more depressed because of how fucked up the world is. I realized its true, and after being pissed off at Charlie it only made me more depressed. I think I might yell at Charlie soon for being an asshole, I just have to keep from doing it in the next few days, because its going to be me more stressed out than about him. I hang around him because Im submissive and stupid, so when he bosses me around and uses me to do his work for him, I hate him for it, but I cant stop doing it. I feel bad because I feel like my existance is basically going against the whole feminist movement but it makes me feel kind of superior too, knowing that its a secret. I have a lot more secrets than people know, but because its rather imperative that no one knows, Im only going to be honest about having them.
I have a ten page essay due in something like 13 hours, and I havent started. I really dont want to pull an all nighter, but I need to turn this in. I think its terrible, and I hate this class. I hate doing work. I just want to sleep tomorrow. Unfortunately its my last day of classes. I cant miss them.
Im really fucking tired and ready for this semester to end.
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[27 Apr 2009|12:17am] |
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music |
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Broken Social Scene and Al Green |
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I think this is my favorite time of the year. Its just getting to the end, but it feels just like the beginning, only everything's different. The weather is getting hot, just like it was when I came here. Theres crazy relationship things going on just like when i first came here. Everyone is happy but nervous, stressed. And the smell is coming back. I cant tell you how much of an impact smell has on me. Its always this time of the year when it smells just like it did when i first came here that I realize how much Ive changed and how small it all seems. How in a tiinnnnnnny year, which is so insignificant in relation to the mass of years Ill probably live to have, so much has happened. Its weird, but I love feeling insignificant. I have an enormous personality, and I would be surprised if half of the school at least didnt recognise me because Im just so boisterous and I know so many people, which I love. I feel like my life is the most beautiful whenever I realise I just dont matter, which seems so pessimistic, but its not at all. Im just sooo insignificant to all of the stuff in the world. My problems dont fucking matter in the long run, to anyone else and in a few years not even to me. If I fuck up, its ok. Ill be able to deal with it. Its just a small part of my life, and whatever I do, bad or good, is just going to add to my story. Its this feeling of being like, totally at peace with everything. Very Buddhistish...or Daoistish. Shambo would be proud. Its this feeling of completely giving up and just relaxing. Its like passion without haste. Very...filling. Its the smell. Its going to make me cry.
And just to make my point even stronger...this has been an incredibly crazy week, or few weeks. Ive met a lot of people, delt with a lot of crazy crazy relationship things, been brought back into the theatre after a long hiatus, realized that next year is going to be just as crazy as this one, if not more, cried for the first time in a while last night, and ACTUALLY DID MY LAUNDRY (wtfomgiknow!!). Plus, like all of my entries, I have to end on a list of shit I need to do, which includes three essays (two of them 8-10 pages long, the other one due tomorrow), a long pop up book to make, one debate to captain arguing and organizing, one debate to captain the judges on, a FUCKTON of studying to do for GEC so I dont fail out of the class, a 5-10 question short essay final, a performance final, THE storytelling final, a dress rehearsal, more GEC to read before the final, another performance in front of the communications department and their families, a bunch of meetings for my new job, ushering work, and my regular homework to deal with. Plus, if you havent seen my facebook, I just checked out 27 books from the library, sections of which I kind of need to read before tomorrow night. Also, I need to pack and figure out where Im putting my shit for over the summer. Im not going to sleep tonight, but the thing is...even if I could I dont think I would really want to. This is such a good feeling. BUT, in trying to keep things at least a little optemistic when it comes to my schedule--even if next year is going to be busy as fuck Ill have pretty much no homework. Im just taking 4 of the maybe 8 most time consuming classes in the school fall semester: sculpture, ceramics, theatre practicum (probably), and museum practicum. Ill be fine, I dont mind being crazy busy, this just means Ill have class from 9am straight to 10pm which is ok too because thats what I was used to at Idy but with homework. I can deal.
But now this is turning into procrastination. Time to work!!
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gigantopithicus's journal